How to understand that your child needs attention?

Children uses the facial expressions and actions to communicate their feelings. They might not be able to articulate through speech. They are defiant because they assume they will be punished or there will be these zillion restrictions that follow.  It becomes equally puzzling for the parents to understand their reactions. The more extreme the reactions, the more perplexed the parent is to confront the child. 

Now let us see the visible cues that your child is upset and what do they mean?

1. Slamming the doors: It is an indication that he/she feels that they are not being heard.
2. Cursing : Feel that they are not good enough.
3. Shutting down: Indicating that the child is overwhelmed and defiant. Life is too much to handle. 
4. Hitting a sibling: Sibling is conceived as a threat. The relationship is not secure. He is craving attention.
5. Challenging an authority figure: I cannot trust you. It is too risky. You feel abused, neglected and abandoned.
6. Saying that I hate you: The child is projecting self hatred and self rejection back onto the parent. The child feels hated.
7. Arguing about everything: The child argues to keep the parent connected. Fear of losing the parent. It is a negative form of attachment.
8. Laziness: Laziness is a sign of a child who has experienced helplessness early in the childhood. It is a learned behavior. The child is saying that my efforts do not produce results. I won’t even try.
9. Pushing every boundary(pushing our buttons): Inefficiency on the parent part to handle the child. The child challenges the parent to stay in the relationship and to never give up.

Disclaimer: It is important that you are mindful of your actions and the language you speak. Even if you are conscious not to impulsively go after your child...Stop, pause and reflect...It is a good start. Till then Happy Parenting!

Grief and Children

This is my first post for this year. 2020 started with more of challenges, some to do with my physical health and my children falling ill on and off. For those who are reading my blogs for the first time. I would like to introduce myself. I am Nisha Ravishankar, a certified experiential counsellor who just wrapped up an advanced course in counselling children and adolescents.

Just two weeks back, I came across some distressing news that my friend met with an unexpected car accident. That week followed with the whereabouts about their family condition since all the family members were involved in the accident. It was reassuring to know that the children were unharmed and safe. I was immersed in prayers for my friend, her husband and children. I held on the thin line of hope. As we got updates from the hospital minus the factual details, my thoughts oscillated between recovery and fear of the unknown. The nights were tough as I reflected on the memories and time spent with her. The whole process ranged with a wide set of emotions from sadness, anger to helplessness. Last week I got the dreaded news that my friend succumbed to life. The thought was difficult to digest especially thinking about her family whom she left behind (two children aged 10 and 2 ,her husband who is undergoing several surgeries and is unaware of her demise)

The hard reality of life sunk in. I was still in absolute shock and denial as my association with her was very close. I also did my share of bargaining . I did bribe to my devoted God that I would avoid any physical or mental harm and consciously strive to do good. I still held on to the hope....The memories are fresh, It is like the incident did not take place.

Today I browsed through the five stages of grief coined in 1969 by Elisabeth Kubler Ross , a swiss psychologist (sixth stage - Making Meaning is recently coined by her colleague David Kesslar) - Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance. Recent research says that these stages do not happen in a particular order and people might experience one or two of the stages. The present stages I can resonate are Denial and Anger .

I was curious to know how children come to terms with grief. My friend's older daughter has just reached her formative years. How much can she comprehend what has happened to her? Does she find her mother's shoes too heavy to fill?

I came across a children discussion guide on death and grief  which is ok to start with basic exploration with your child who has experienced sudden loss of loved one.

Depending on their age, stage of development, personality and prior experiences the children have various acting out behaviors of grief. Some of them are emptiness, sadness, explosive emotions or lack of feelings.

What can caretakers do to enable coping mechanisms in grieving children?

• Give space for children to ask the 4 Ws (What, Why, Where, When ) plus How in their open ended questions, It is better to get the facts right at the beginning.
• Physical space also matters. Somedays they might not want to interact with the rest of the family. Let them be in their room with a light nudge that you understand their grief and are available anytime they want to reach out.
• It is important to use real words like death or died. Metaphors like she passed away or has joined the stars are too abstract and puts the children in a vulnerable and untangeable space.
• Give words for their feelings and express your feeling to rationalise their emotional state.
• Children need ongoing attention, reassurance and support as they grieve. Emotions will come out in heavy bursts or mild spurts. 
• Keep the daily routines fixed and  normal as possible. 
• Positive strokes can be unlimited in the form of hugs, cuddles, holding their hands. Comfort items like softtoys and comfy blankets can be offered.
• Use media like sand tray, puppets, paint kits, poetry to channelise what the children might be feeling.
• Incase of older children, try not to impose adult responsibilties all of a sudden. Allow them to be their age. 

Till then Happy Parenting :) Do comment on how did you like my blog? What steps have you taken as a parent to contain your child during any form of loss?

Please share your views.

Is your child watching you?

I am very fascinated by the way the children observe and react to situations. Due credit should be given to the parents who set the benchmark of their actions and responses. How many times you feel you should not have voiced like that or behaved in a particular fashion? And lo! within a week you find your child mimicking your actions.


The psychology of all this can be traced to a particular scientist Giacomo Rizolatti who came up with a concept called Mirror neurons around 1980’s. His experiments by attaching electrodes to a set of monkeys showed a particular set of neurons fired in the same area of the brain when a monkey picked an object and gave it to the other monkey. Another experiment cemented the belief of thinking alike, where the behavior of an experimenter of putting an object into his mouth was mimicked by the monkeys. The research is still at a nascent stage, but has made an important contribution to neuroscience. Children with developmental difficulties will not be able to activate this set of neurons.


We as parents should express caution on our structure of language. Whether it is an instruction , demand or suggestion the tone and manner it is conveyed matters to the child.


I will give you few examples where by rearranging the words and adding positive adjectives.

1. Instead of telling the child, you are smart you can add a description like you have worked very hard to get this far. This is done so that the child can understand the implications on his behaviour
2. Instead of asserting your child to perform a particular task, make a conscious effort to sit with him and ask what he wants to do. In a relaxed tone you convey why your task has to be done and in between validate his feeling.
3. I go with this thumb rule of offering your kid a choice. Let the ball be in his court.

Nowadays the sensitivity aspect cannot be ignored or shunned. Our acceptance of our child as a human reaffirms his purpose of existence.


Our home settings are ideal for the children to try first hand in their pretend play and their association with peers. If you notice you will find your lo imitating your behavior when talking to her dolls. Also in case of heated arguments with your kid, you will find your child talking like you.


You have to raise the questions from their end and make the child conclude what is best of them. You also check the hidden cues whether the child is hungry, tired or just overwhelmed. By reprimanding and shouting, you will not get desired results.


Parenting is a constant effort always laced with a spoonful of love

Happy New Year, it's time for resolutions

New year resolutions , how cool are you to follow that? . To welcome the new year,  people make goals to make a difference. It is the constant pursuit to make something easier, smarter and practical. Parenting falls in that bracket. For that we need to clear our foggy vision. There is something called internal cleansing.

Here are some breathers for those  skeptical moms who feel that the coming year won't be different.

1. Love yourself : As clichéd it may sound, nothing seems right if you don't feel right. You value yourself and tidy yourself up. Look in the mirror and think how you can look good. Take that risk to change your wardrobe or even your hair. You will feel better and more optimistic.
2. Relax : It is not as easy as it sounds. As mothers, we feel the need to be in control with everything. We get overworked when our kids don't accept our likes and routines.  You need to  stand back and let kids learn the hard way on their own. When there is no budging, the rule stands clear. Take it or leave it.
3. Plan the moment and keep rest for later : As a mother of 2 young kids, I tend to physically attend to the younger one more than the oldest. My older son is emotional dependent. He continuously voices his need and feels the unfairness of the situation. There might be a fight or a tantrum following that. I keep silent and be non reactive. I take care of things that have to be finished and keep the rest in mind. A bedtime story or activity time with my son will compensate.
4. You communicate well : With lots of things running in the head it is better to clarify your plans for the day and avoid misunderstandings. Whether it is with your spouse, kids and family put your thoughts on any subject in the open. In case of younger kids, make them feel special about their contributions.
5. Have a ball : And lastly enjoy each and every moment. Take time to pursue that long lost hobby, dust that SLR and capture life as it is or act like a monkey and swoon to funky music. In a day allot some time to let your hair loose and immerse in some talent you are passionate about. There are no hiccups and you are the best critic.

Have a blast and wonderful year ahead! 2018 awaits…..

Where is Santa?

I took a shot to write my first short story. Thanks to Kanika.G Here it goes...

Where is Santa?

One freezing winter morning, Sam woke up in a jiffy. It is the day before Christmas. He checked out the window. The morning seemed  perfect. The snow was trickling over the edges of his window pane. The trees outside were laced with a thick layer of snow. Hmm, doesn't it make you think of white vanilla icing? Sam closed his eyes dreaming of that perfect Christmas morning. The Christmas tree is all lit up and presents lined up below. He brushed his teeth and dressed up. Yes, he must not forget to put his winter cap and wrap that shrug around his neck. He had decided to surprise his parents.

 He skidded over the banister and gobbled his toast for his breakfast. The orange juice had a tangy flavour. He gulped it down and went to the adjacent closet. He took the shovel and told mom he was going to clear the driveway. His mom stared at him in wonder. The moment he stepped out of his door, his boots sank into one feet of snow. “Oh, this is going to be difficult”. He took the shovel and started digging. He made a pile at the side. “ I need enough for a snowman and to play with my friends”. The sun did not seem so harsh. He toiled along and hymned some tunes of his favourite carols.

It must be some time when he realised he had just cleared a quarter of the driveway. “ This is not easy, but I must make Mumma proud”. He continued till he started sweating and plodded on the snow. He took off his cap and thought to himself “ Maybe a glass of lemonade will quench my thirst.” He ran to the kitchen and saw no one was there. He took the lemon and ice cubes from the fridge. Mom had told him to be careful with the knife. He took it and cut the lemon perfectly into two pieces. He squeezed the lemon with all his might and made the juice. He put the ice and sipped it. “ Yuck, it is bitter”. Oops, I forgot to put the sugar. The sugar bottle was on the lowest rack of the cabinet. But Sam had to take the stool to climb and take it. He jumped over and leaned over the kitchen top. His fingertips touched the sugar bottle. But alas, the stool gave away. He fell down with a thud.

 His mom came running on hearing the sound. “ What happened Sam? Does it hurt?” Sam whimpered and said it fell sore on his behind. Mom carried him and put him on the kitchen counter. “ What has my monkey been upto ?” Sam told everything and ended with “ I just wanted to surprise you". He shook his head and said “ I couldn't finish the shoveling. You must be disappointed with me . Mom looked at his eyes “ Santa is watching you from above and who knows he might send his elves to help you finish the driveway with a “woof”. Sam said “ I don't believe in Santa. I know it is Dad behind a huge pillow and red suit. Last time I nicked his beard off. I don't feel like talking about it”.

Sam excused himself and went to his room. After sometime he heard a knock on his door. He told “ Leave me alone.” A familiar ho-ho sound could be heard and said “ My dear boy, Santa is here”. Sam told “ I know it isn't you”. Santa pleaded. And Sam gave in.

 He turned towards his door and guess who did he see? Grandpa with his white beard and santa cap. Sam’s eyes lit “ Grandpa, you came”. He hugged him. Grandpa looked at Sam “ Are those tears? My boy. Someone has had a rough day. Tell me ‘ all”. Sam told what happened and said “I don’t believe in Santa”. Grandpa took Sam’s little fingers. “Santa is proud of you. He is there very much alive”. Sam asked  “Where?”. Grandpa touched his heart “ He is there in my safe heart to remind me to do good and also in your teeny weeny safe heart to make you do good for others”. Grandpa hugged him and said “ Santa loves you and wants me to hug you “. Sam smiled with his eyes closed.

How to entertain kids during car rides?

Car journeys require a lot of planning. Especially, if it is a family ride with children whose boredom levels can be put to test. While my children were very small, we had the car seat which proved to a hindrance to our smooth rides. Indian railways wish to deter our vacation plans by maintaining their 4 month advanced booking. So we are left with no choice but to resort to our car journeys. Over the years we have cut the luggage and food bag by half on experience. I refrain my children from carrying more than 2 to 3 toy sets. I keep a creative bag so they focus on their artistic side.

These are the contents in their bag:
Story books
A set of crayons/sketch pens
Few doodle pads
Copy coloring books
Activity books, felt busy books
Sticker books
Board games

I felt during school time, kids concentrate on outdoor play and do not play mindful games. My lo is 3 who loves sorting/building blocks and pretend play games. In the car she gets restless and wish to come to the front seat. She shuffles between coloring and requesting for music. My son who is 8 in into pokemon card collection and bey blades. He too will rotate all the contents of the bag judiciously. Then at times they get restless.

With trial and error, I came across these games-

20 questions -  It is a guessing game where the child asks 20 questions and you tell yes or no....By the end of all questions, the child has to guess name, animal or object.

Buzz - Better version of tables. At multiples of all numbers, you have to say buzz in turns. If you tell the number by mistake you get ousted .

I spy game - Where you spot maximum objects on basis of some condition. For eg 3 red cars, 2 monkeys on the tree, 3 fruit trucks etc

Then you have paper games like Name, place, animal and thing, hangman, dot game, word search and tic-tac-toe which can extend the hunger pangs.

And yes, thank God for brands like McDonald's, Cafe Coffee Day ...My son is sure not to miss it. He has never felt kms as dear to him as before !

Insight from Parenting talk by Chitra T V, Counselor at Nurturing Nature

I had called in my psychologist friend Chitra Aunty to speak to the mothers of our layout. It was an interactive session

The topic was 'How do we talk to child effectively?'

This is what she had to say

“ It is the core responsibility of the parent to take care of the physical and mental well-being of the child. We should ask ourselves what we did different that our parents did to us? How close we were to them? What was  your  relation with them? From one to 7 years the beliefs and projection of the world around us form an unconscious program which we play on our children. We feel our actions mirror like our parents. As we thought that is the way..

Earlier disobedience was a crime, now children are inquisitive about the purpose. Do not weigh the children with consequences to the behaviour. They feel pressured and will resist urges to co-operate in every possible manner. Give them unconditional praise and positive strokes ( hug, affectionate pat) in small parcels. Younger children crave for love, attention and appreciation. As they get older, our parenting approach concentrates on criticism and passing judgements (appearance, peer circle). They stop to share their personal moments to us fearing the expectations. Another thing, one should keep in mind that as teenagers reach early adulthood, they are not fully equipped to make sound judgements, and cannot make rational decisions. That explains the suicide rates during that age. As parents we have to play it safe. Try to make a conscious effort to balance the number of yes's and nos. Our construct of language becomes their belief. Acknowledge the feeling. This lays the foundation of empathy.

How to lay ground rules? With job opportunities available in cities we are forced to rely on nuclear set ups...With occasional visits from grandparents, there is a disruption in the harmony of events that take place. They are chances that children side on the soft side displayed by them. In situations like this, it is better for the parents to make clear if certain rules are followed. Whether it is food habits , timetable or extra curricular activities, everything should written in black and white. To tackle the persuasion of the child , we have to settle for the broken record technique - repeat the same phrase of refusal again and again till the child gets in the head that there is no way out “.

On the final note, I thank the mothers of our layout who brought in their personal examples that made it possible to make the talk realistic.

Please feel free to contact:

Ms Chitra
Counselor At Nurturing Nature, Tippasandra, Bengaluru
www.nurturingnature.in
https://www.facebook.com/nurturingnaturebangalore/
counsellorchitra@gmail.com